I have been letting things touch me, but roll by while I have been doing and feeling well...... but one too many 'touches' had me sliding down that miserable path to meet me worst and feared enemies Depression and Anxiety. And then all of those little touches that I thought I let roll on by, had ME rolling and snowballing out of control.
I am a person that when I let my guard down I give.... and I mean I GIVE BIG. I love and cherish and give my all to those I care about.... those that I think care about me. But unfortunately I have a habit of reading these people wrong some how, of thinking they would surely go above and beyond for me as I don't think twice about doing for them. I am that person people confide in, turn to for help, for guidance, to vent, when they have no-one left to turn to. And yet despite this.... when they don't need or want anything from me, I am just left hanging? Supposed to wait on the sidelines until my cue? I am SLAMMED by the cruel actions (or in most cases the in-actions) and realization that the scales are dramatically unbalanced and that I hold little to no worth to these people.... these family members , these friends, these pieces of my heart I have given away with what I thought was such care and caution to ensure this sort of thing will not continue to happen.
Do I not bother to let people in anymore, do I put all the walls back up? Retreat and not trust? Do I make shallow friendships and relationships, not investing myself into them? Do I need to not be me? Not care, not be kind, not give where people need to be given? It causes such intense pain that all I am and all I do is never quite enough.... or in the words of my Mumma maybe too much??
So obviously this started with someone close, hurting me intensely and once again left me asking the Q from my childhood "what is so wrong with me?". Feeling so low, hurt and vulnerable with all my insecurities flooding back, my other relationships are scrutinized and picked to pieces, leaving me feel even worse.
Anxiety is rampant and depression has truly taken it's hold, for the 1st time in months I struggle just thinking about Woodi going to work on Dogwatch, everything just becomes sooo much harder, sooo much heavier, sooo much less manageable.... Things like spending 2 hrs shopping for a well planned out list, to only have a mental blank on your new pin, find out Woolies don't let you use the Credit side of a Debit card, your phone has once again been disconnected because your not receiving your bill so you can't transfer the funds to an account you know the pin to..... get all the way home only to realise you saved that darn pin in your phone, knowing you'd probably forget! Reversing the bin down in your haste to get back to the shops (cos your not going to waste that 2 hrs of shopping), to get there and they haven't refrigerated any of the cold items like they said... so you have to then go replace them all!!! OR budgeting down to the dollar so we can FINALLY take our kidlets to Dubbo Zoo and stay the weekend, only for Woodi to have a car accident on the weekend that not only wipes out the trip to the zoo but the School Holiday getaway to my Mum and Dad's van with the kids while Woodi is working..... because now he needs to drive my car. OR having the dog escape the house while getting the kids out to the car to go to school when your already running late, having the kids chase after the dog down the street instead of getting in the car when you ask them too. The dog running even further away because it's fun being chased by the kids who are being screamed at by their mother! Having to get the kids back and in the car so we can go hunt down the dog and take the kids to school. Having the kids crying because they think their mother is cruel for not letting them continue chasing after the 'poor' dog! Finding a sodden, muddy and grass covered dog, lifting him into the car and becoming wet, muddy and grass covered along with the car in the process. These things are so much harder to cope with when you are in that deep dark place, and make the world feel so stacked against you!
Then comes the call from my Mumma yesterday that my Grandmother is in hospital, she was taken by ambulance with a suspected Heart attack. She was in and out of tests all day to try and determine what was wrong. Her heart was given the all clear, but unfortunately that wasn't the end of it. My Gran had Breast Cancer a little over a year ago and we all thought she had beaten it. Unfortunately the tingling and painful sensation she was experiencing is caused by the cancer spreading to her bones. Today I found out that it is in her ribs and all through her spine. There is nothing that can be done but to control the pain and keep her comfortable. She will be coming home at some stage in the next day or two and we will have more information on her condition and what can be expected for her. I feel for my (Step) Dad, he has already lost the amazing man that was his father, my Pop and now he is losing his Mother too.
I feel so terrible that I have been pouring myself into relationships that have fallen apart, when I could have been pouring energy and time into spending time with my Grandmother. My Grandmother who loves me unconditionally, whose day is lighted by a visit from my little family and I.... this is where my love, time and energy would have been better spent. For this I am so terribly sorry and I hope my Grandma knows how much I love her and can forgive me for my time ill spent. Please give me time to make it up to my Grandma, to bring light and love and happiness into her remaining days.
Wanting these unwanted tears to stop falling so constantly, this friggin elephant to kindly get off my chest and this brick to please vacate my stomache!!!
