Friday, September 2, 2011

Dear Blogger

Father Blogger, it has been 13 days since my last confession blog post (geez it feels like months, especiall coming back to this new blogger interface!!). I have been avoiding you and all things related, I have withdrawn from this world and it has left me feeling a little empty and a little on the outer, but mostly has been really good for me. I have wanted to confess post everyday and have felt guilty when I couldn't bring myself to.... there has been something stopping me. Like a block, a wall... something I just haven't been able to get past. But today I have had some clarity and have pushed past the road block and it's a little un-nerving and exciting all at once.

Confessing Blogging for me started out as a way of coping with my feelings, by writing about them they weren't left floating around like a viscous whirlpool in my at times extremely fragile and overflowing mind. When I started this blog it was to have a blog that was separate from a depression journal and used to celebrate my family and our life together, to document all the good, bad, funny, sad, crazy and mundane things we experience together. Then it became more, through blogger and twitter I started connecting with other Mums and bloggers and following their life stories and got swept into instagram, pinterest, google+, all very addictive. I slowly started down the track of gaining followers and flogging my blog and loving it, but of course with this came a lot of of thinking about what my readers think and may or may not be interested in reading.

When I chose to end a friendship with someone in "real" life for very "real" reasons, things turned very sour. This friend was also involved in all of the above and it turned from something we enjoyed sharing to something that started being used as a weapon. A means of attacking me, spreading lies and turning a private, personal and painful experience into a public slamming. I did my best not to retaliate or turn my blog into a playground for counter attacks, I didn't even bother to defend myself against the cruel lies, or snide comments on other blogs aimed at me. I tried not to let myself be bothered by the comments and support this person was receiving for my false crimes.... but it did bother me because these people were my online friends too, people I had grown to like, respect and admire. And although I didn't know these people personally or in "real" life, it still hurt, because through blogging and the sharing of our lives it feels as though we do know them.

My blog soon came to feel not "real", the things I wrote weren't in any way fake..... but I felt I wasn't able to write about all the things I was feeling and experiencing and wanted to write about. The appeal of blogging and sharing photo's and statuses about my life just disappeared. The thought of someone reading about the things our family are doing, planning to do, and going through and using that against me just became too much. So I stopped. I am hoping that it has been long enough for the interest to have faded away, for this sticky chapter to be over and for me to be able to blog as I feel and experience.

For now I will be focusing on blogging about my family and our life without worrying about what any audience may think, just doing this for myself. Hopefully I will get back into the things I love (reading other blogs, commenting, participating in my fave link-ups, using my blog's facebook page and interacting again) in the not too distant future.

Love Moodi Mumma xoxo

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