That sinking feeling...

So I suffer from depression.... I am on a pretty high dose of anti-depressants and after a change of medication and experimental doses I have been doing pretty good. Really good actually!!

So why this sinking feeling today? Why the feeling that I'm sliding down into that deep dark whole and I can't grip on to stop the fall?? Been racking my brain today trying to figure out what the trigger is....

And then I found it,

And how often is it not about him?

About my "Daddy Issues"?

So here it is. My Birthday was on the 1st of May (you may have read this post), after lunch some time (I'm guessing as an after-thought or a result of being reminded by one of my siblings) I get a text from my arsehole father...

"Happy Birthday Chick, we'll catch up soon xox"

Today is the 14th of May and I am going to my cousins engagement party. I have no doubt my spermdonor Father will be there and of course he will do his usual "World's Best Dad" gig. Will he realise that it has been 2 weeks since my Birthday, that he hasn't made contact with me? That the last time we were together or he contacted me was when he put on a lunch for my younger Brother back on the 4th of April and the time before that when I visited him for his own Birthday in the beginning of Feb?? Will it occur to him that "catching up soon" only happened a lot sooner than someone more important's Birthday because my cousin is having an Engagement Party??

My guess....

no,

No,

NO!

Am I feeling sorry for myself? Probably. Would it bother you?

I am on a downward spiral because I am seeing the one person who can make me feel completely and utterly worthless tonight and he will rub salt into my ever gaping wounds because as always the only effort he ever makes for or about me is in the eye of the public, making me feel like an even bigger joke.

Seriously the day I make any of my girls feel like this is the day I'll...............

FYBF

The Rules

(As stolen from Lori, thus making Baby Jesus cry... sorry)

1. Follow Where's My Glow? 
2. Bow down at the alter of Mummy Time; Blog-goddess, all round groovy gal and creator of FYBF
3. Grab the FYBF button and post it on your sidebar or in the post you're linking up
4. Link in your favourite/best post from the week (don't just put your blog URL)
5. Follow at least 1 linkyer/blogger (Be nice and spread the comment love)
6. The list will be open for linkyers on Fridays (and for the foreigners Friday as well)
7. A new and fresh linky list will open every Friday. And you will have to link up AGAIN. The previous link list does not carry over to the following week
8. Because I live in Dullsville Perth the list will open around 7am AWST - I'm not getting up at 5am and the last time I scheduled a post it didn't work.

FlogYoBlog Friday 13/05

1.	Phobias: Can you pass them on to your kids?	16.	Super Daddy - Kid's Intolerance: Who's To Blame?
2.	A Dose of Dannie	17.	Mrs Woog's Advice on Blogging if you want to work with PR's
3.	About A Bear: New lease on life after years on a shelf	18.	Domesblissity: Bad combinations
4.	Yay! Finished uni for the Semester! Time to... PARTY? or sleep?	19.	The unbalanced Mummy Blogger
5.	celebrate the positives of our lives	20.	Martyr-hood "Food and Fine Forearms"
6.	Black Forest Cake from Scratch	21.	Kids In The Kitchen
7.	Emotional & Social Effects of being a teenager	22.	There were three in the bed
8.	Living Life Playing the Glad Game	23.	To my anonymous follower @ MY VIRTUAL LIFE
9.	ninja mail	24.	Tara@OurWhirlwindAdventures - Judgment Day!
10.	Tutu Ames	25.	How it feels to be finally - OFFICIALLY - published
11.	Milk 'n' Cookies	26.	Shh it's a secret
12.	I couldn't Make this Stuff Up - Daisy, Roo and Two	27.	Parental Parody : Shoppers Rage
13.	Soundtrack Saturday - Wherever the day takes you	28.	Wanderlust - Fragile
14.	The Model and Me	29.	Diary of Joni & Anya
15.	Adopt an alien monkey @ Mum in search	30.	Traci aka Moodi Mumma

  (Submissions close in 1d 3h 23m)

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What would you do?

A couple of weeks back Moo got invited to a Birthday Party, Boo didn't get invited. Before the invite even made it home, Moo & Boo's teachers figured Boo hadn't been invited and approached the mum to ask her if she was aware she had invited one twin and not the other. She of course didn't, was mortified and let them know she  would bring an invite in for Boo the next day and to let me know she was invited.

When I arrived to pick the girls up from Kindy, Moo's teacher informed me on what was going on. I was touched that the teachers took the matter and Boo's feelings into their own hands and sorted it all out for me. It was really kind and very unexpected. I'm also very touched that the Mum went out of her way to make room for Boo and reacted in such a generous and thoughtful way. Woodi (hubby) and I have talked about this scenario before, we're aware that it would happen eventually and that we would just have to find the best way of dealing with it. Not everyone can be expected to invite both girls, especially if they are only friends with one! But we were relieved and thankful we didn't have to deal with it just yet!!

So.... being that this party was at Lollipops (one of those indoor playground/party places) and the other Mum had to pay extra for Boo to come, I made sure I was generous with the gifts and gave individual ones from both the girls. I thought they were separate invitations, the Mum was paying to have both the girls there, so it was only fair. The Mum picked up on this and informed me that I didn't have to get 2 lots of presents, but I told her I felt it was the right thing to do & I was very grateful she went out of her way to accommodate us.

NOW... here lies my Dilemma the girls have both been invited to another 2 parties this weekend (one Sat & one Sun). I don't know if they were both invited to each originally or if exceptions were once again made, both the parties are at the kids homes. My Mumma told me not to go buying all these kids 2 lots of presents... but I did. Truth is it's costing me a fortune, but I'm just not sure what the etiquette is??? Am I setting a bad precedent or am I doing the right thing? Do I just send my girls with joint gifts in future or one each?
If I keep buying 2 presents each time I may have to put a limit on the parties the girls attend.... then again I'm wondering by giving out a present each will the word get out and will it help with the problem of the girls both being invited to parties??

Ahh my head is in a spin, my pockets are empty and I wanna know... What would you do??

Giving Thanks

Today I want to say THANK YOU....

Thank you for the three smiling faces that greeted me this morning ~ while I was internally grumbling for a little more sleep ~ they were so excited to smother me with love, hugs and kisses and show me the presents they were sooooo proud of picking at the school stall.

Thank you for the amazing husband who had gotten up earlier than I and held off the very eager threesome from lavishing Mumma with their excitement earlier than they did!

Thank you that I have my hubby with me, that he cares enough about me to do these little acts of love and kindness. Thank you that my hubby cares enough about those three beautiful girls who were bumbling with joy & love to wake Mumma a little earlier then she would have liked.

Thank you, my gosh, THANK YOU that I have been blessed with those 3 little princesses, so that a day like today has magic, meaning , love and excitement and I do not face pain, loss, emptiness and despair as others do on a day like today.

Thank you that I have a loving and supportive family and network. Thank you that my family open their homes and arms to all of us and provide us with a delicious lunch ~when at home, this Mumma would have been having vegemite sangas..... but hey I'm even thankful that we would have been able to have vegemite sangas~

Thank you that I still have my Mumma and Grams with me and I am not suffering their loss on a day like today, that I still have them to envelope me in their love and warmth. Thank you that I have a Mumma & Grams who love & appreciate a handmade card and wouldn't expect any more even if I could.

Thank you for a beautiful day, a beautiful family and whilst not the perfect one a beautiful, blessed and gifted life. May I also send Love, light and healing to the many others who are not as fortunate as I on a day like today and every other day.

Things I Know - Brought to us by Yay for Home...

I have just discovered Yay for Home's  Things I Know Link-in, and all though I may not know much, am tempted to join!

So here is what I know this week:

* I Know there are some amazing blogs out there & I would love mine to be better and to be able to design mine to suit me perfectly.

* I Know that whilst I am getting better at coping with Hubby's shift work and double shifts where we don't see him for days at a time.... there will always be a breaking point. Today it was 4.10pm!

* I Know that whilst Hubby is at work of a night, I'm lucky to have my kids asleep by 9pm even if they are in bed by 7pm!

* I Know that my children showing me the new skills they've learnt at school will never cease to blow my mind.

* I Know that I will always think my children are extra smart, extra special, extra wonderful..... Just coz :o)

* I Know that whilst Loo may be able to last 2-3 hours at school in undies with no accidents, it is unlikely the same will happen at home... as I have also come to know it is not unusual for Loo to request undies, only to poo in them moments later.

* I Know that when I send Loo to care on Monday, more often than not by Wednesday she is sick followed by  Moo & Boo on Thursday & Hubby and I by Friday.... Joy!

* I Know Moo & Boo love having me volunteer at their school and I enjoy doing it for them... even if I'm not used to being on my feet most of the day and my feet and back are killing!!

* I know our dog snores as loud, if not LOUDER than my hubby.... no mean feet!

Add you link here!

1. Marita@StuffWithThing	2. katesaysstuff	3. Leah - Bogue Living
4. Sarah@ fignutmum	5. Wild Hope	6. Hesperas Garden
7. Good Golly Miss Holly!	8. Clare	9. MultipleMum
10. calm green	11. picklebums

  (Submissions close in 6d 9h 9m)

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Meet the NEW man in my life.....

Meet Chaser, not a great deal different to Hubby.... Snores LOUD, falls asleep at the drop of a hat and can sleep through just about ANYTHING!! Main difference I guess you could say... he has four legs and a tail.

Yep Chaser is a dog, a King Charles Cavalier, he's six and totally adorable!! He came to us through my Uncles partner who wasn't able to keep him at their new rental property..... whilst I wish we had of known exactly what we were getting into when agreeing to help out, I'm kinda glad we didn't too - cos we probably wouldn't have taken him!

What we knew was Chaser was on meds due to being a pure bred..... what we weren't told was that he's on meds for his heart and to help him breath, his meds are $160 and last him 2 months (More than my meds to keep me sane!!), every 4 repeats he needs to have a check up, various needles and the visit is usually around $250. Also he is in need of testing on his heart and exrays....also costly.

BUT what we have found is that he is such a loving and well behaved boy, the girls love him and so do Hubby and I. He has settled into our family so nicely and seems to be sooo happy to be with us - though he does go in search of a quieter room when my girls get their crazy going!! He has been trained wonderfully and thinks he's a person, he'd be in his element just to lay on you and be petted.

When we took him to the vet - because when he came to us he was all out of meds and hadn't been seen for quiet some time - the vet was impressed with what a wonderful boy he is and told us that unfortunately he would be lucky to see 8yo. So while the new man in my life is "High Maintenance" we're happy to have him in our family and just want him to have a happy and well loved final innings.

Eeek only a year left!!

Sitting here reflecting on how turning 29 wasn't as bad as I had built it up to be when the realization hit...."%#@$ I only have a year left (less a day now) to complete my 30 before 30 list!!!" 

So I have decided to once again revisit and see how I'm doing (crap, crap, crap)

1. Create a list of things I would like to achieve/attempt before I turn 30
 

2. Buy a guitar Got a guitar for my Birthday off of Hubby!

3. Have guitar lessons

4. lose 30kg Hmm if this was GAIN...i'd be heading in the right direction :oS

5. Got to a concert or festival

6. Enrol in a photography course

7. Buy a Pro Flickr account
8. Organise a Flapper & Gangster 30th B'day Party

9. Dress up and go to the races - hat and all!!

10. Have a romantic weekend away with Josh

11. Cook a cookbook meal once a week Thinking of picking a day and blogging what I cook to try and stick to this one...

12. Take the girls to Taronga Zoo

13. Go to Crystal Magick for Introduction to Wicca & Witchcraft workshop

14. Complete my Pre-Req's and have started Diploma of Community Services Work

15. Get my Tattoo's for my girls done My present from Hubby for Xmas is a voucher towards this Yay :o)

16. Get new Pixie Portrait (or other) done of family to include Lilli  Ok I'm prob cheating here, but we ALL had to get in this years Santa Photo!! It was professional and cost $$$$ right???

17. Master my FlyLady routine and have my house running like clockwork Hmm routine NO but house is going good :o)

18. Have finances under control & Savings accounts operating as intended! Will def have to look at this AFTER Xmas!!

19. See a sunset & sunrise in WA

20. Have a girls night out

21. Drink Absynth

22. Finish the sewing project I started 3 years ago


23. Have my girls enrolled and attending dance lessons again The Girls are doing both Modern and Classical Ballet :o)


24. Be envolved in the girls school - canteen volunteer, reading etc I do Canteen every 2nd Thursday and assist with Structured Play every Monday afternoon :o)


26. Make some friends, girls starting school is a good opportunity


27. Become more confident and happy in who I am as a person - not let others make me feel inferior Becoming better... but not quiet there

28. Buy supplies and learn how to face paint Teaching myself with practice and a handbook

29. Have people over for dinner at least once a month  So far so good :o)


30. Be the best Mum, Wife and ME I can be :o) A daily challenge!!

SO the pink ones are the new achievements since last time.... but I still have soooo far to go! As it stands I have achieved 9 out of 30 and less than a year to achieve the other 21 eeeeek!!

The Dreaded 29..... not so dreadful!

Well I had been dreading and even putting off organisation for my Birthday this year '29'! Only one year away from the Big 3-0!!
But how could any Birthday be dreadful with such a loving little family as my own??
The day started with a sleep in followed by coffee, pancakes, kisses, cuddles, lots of smiles and prezzies in bed :o) Can't imagine a better start than that!! The girls were so excited and lavished me with loving attention, it was really beautiful & Hubby took charge of everything today to make it special.
To top off a lovely day, and to continue with a fairly new Tradition, we were joined in the afternoon by the Maxwell family. It was so nice just to sit back, chat, watch the kiddies play and spend time with one another. As always my bestie has given me a wonderful gift for my Birthday and having her family with mine is the perfect way to spend my Birthday.
I feel really blessed and am very thankful for the many gifts I have in my life! With family and friends like these '29' is a piece of cake :o)