Saturday, May 14, 2011

That sinking feeling...

So I suffer from depression.... I am on a pretty high dose of anti-depressants and after a change of medication and experimental doses I have been doing pretty good. Really good actually!!

So why this sinking feeling today? Why the feeling that I'm sliding down into that deep dark whole and I can't grip on to stop the fall?? Been racking my brain today trying to figure out what the trigger is....

And then I found it,

And how often is it not about him?

About my "Daddy Issues"?

So here it is. My Birthday was on the 1st of May (you may have read this post), after lunch some time (I'm guessing as an after-thought or a result of being reminded by one of my siblings) I get a text from my arsehole father...
"Happy Birthday Chick, we'll catch up soon xox"

Today is the 14th of May and I am going to my cousins engagement party. I have no doubt my spermdonor Father will be there and of course he will do his usual "World's Best Dad" gig. Will he realise that it has been 2 weeks since my Birthday, that he hasn't made contact with me? That the last time we were together or he contacted me was when he put on a lunch for my younger Brother back on the 4th of April and the time before that when I visited him for his own Birthday in the beginning of Feb?? Will it occur to him that "catching up soon" only happened a lot sooner than someone more important's Birthday because my cousin is having an Engagement Party??
My guess....




Am I feeling sorry for myself? Probably. Would it bother you?

I am on a downward spiral because I am seeing the one person who can make me feel completely and utterly worthless tonight and he will rub salt into my ever gaping wounds because as always the only effort he ever makes for or about me is in the eye of the public, making me feel like an even bigger joke.

Seriously the day I make any of my girls feel like this is the day I'll...............


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